i have been feeling so much better. almost "high," although i think this is just what it feels like to not be depressed, to be happy.

i got my car, which i love. my job is improving and its time to look for a new one. 27 is destined to be a good year; i feel reminded that God has blessed me and has a plan for me.

however, i admit that when i was feeling so good, kammy had a way of bringing me back down. i sweetly and enthusiastically shared my life, and he cut me off. its so clear there is not interest, and a part of me completely accepts that and looks forward to someone EVEN better. but it still hurts

i was looking forward to seeing deters today to discuss this. of course he cancelled. i am beginning to wonder if there is any point in going. every time i plan on sharing something, look forward to guidance, he isn't around. by the time i see him, i've figured it out myself anyway.

sad hurricane

i'm losing soheil; its completely my fault. he worships me, he is good to me. he just wants me to be a good girlfriend, to want to be honest about all my activities, to include him with my "friends" -- hah! and i'm resistant. and bratty. he read my chats with e. and yet he still stuck; he told me that e does not love me, and will never try to make me happy. the thing is, he is usually right about these kinds of things. still hurt my feelings.

the hurricane in general hurt my feelings. i feel like, even more so than your birthday, the people that check on you, to make sure you are ok during a natural disaster, are the ones that care. mama, larry, toni, daddy, abbie, thad, dustin, liz, camary -- all checked on me. soheil drove me to and from work in the weather! and together we froze water and bought canned goods. how blessed i am. only one admission to o.b. that night.

who didn't check on me? e. sam. chrystal. i realize i have NO friends here. and now that i am driving soheil away, i am beginning to feel that familiar, but profound loneliness. sam is gone, he wants to stay gone. chrystal...who knows where she is. and e hasn't been around for a while.

the depression keeps my work from getting done. and helps me to devour all the carbs we bought two days ago. nothing like weight gain to accentuate depression.

i am driving him away for lots of reasons. the threat of loss of independence, loss of choices, loss of freedom....i can't bear it. i can't take more than 4 days of no personal space. i get stir crazy. i resent his touch, his flatter, his devotion. its so sick.

the problem is, i don't know how to fix it. not really. not more than a bandaid. tired of bandaids, and the wounds seem to be so deep that healing is extraordinarily slow. also i am probably picking at any potential scabs.

my heart is so heavy.

had a date today. it was pleasant. i don't think i'm ever gonna love anyone. i didn't invite a kiss. i don't think he'll call, although i think he likes me; he wants me to pursue him. i am not going to.

i have no one. i don't understand. either people don't notice me or people don't like me.

and mostly i don't WANT them. why is i feel incredibly alone now? is there a reason i can't/don't make friends?

i am incredibly lonely.

its been a very strong theme recurring in my life.

its memorial day. i have a full plate -- need to study, need to work, have night clinic.

but i don't have not one friend today. no one has invited me to barbecue, to celebrate, to relax. i've been here two years. what is wrong with me? s is invited to multiple things every weekend. he says people are intimidated, that wives and girlfriends don't want me to places. but that can't be all of it. there are lots of people who have the same, many more, qualities as me. i know i can be awkward, but i don't think people see that as much as its there. i'm not difficult. i smile. i'm pleasant. i really don't understand. i haven't been to a party in over a year. its embarrassing, this problem. embarrassing to know, embarrassing to admit. not something you can complain about out loud.

i have a home full of plants and animals, which i do actually love. i believe i bring a lot to the table. i am a good friend. i am loveable.

why am i so lonely?

i'm crying for no reason. my "friend" made me happy today. and then deserted me. the plans i had for tonight deserted me. i have an unpromising date tomorrow.

i need to study. i want to pass out. bleh. feel fat...unloved. alone. with no promises kept, no hope fulfilled. alone.

God....when will you provide?

walls keeping me in

i feel separated from everyone by so many walls. impossible, invisible ones.

my social ineptitude: always been there. sometimes disguised better than others. paralyzing at times like now. i can't even walk past a group of my peers playing volleyball. so odd. so sad

my intellectual incapacity: this stupid test. i failed it. not many people did. the need to study for it keeps me from being able to enjoy activities/people, even when i feel i can. its a constant cloud hanging over my head.

my weight: i know its ridiculous; i know i have felt this way even when i'm lean. but i feel gross. like someone will look at me and instantly be disgusted; think wow, she would be pretty, if she would lose some weight.

i feel incredibly incredibly alone. a drink would help. would ease me back into the feeling of normalcy. but that will only worsen the other inadequacies (my studies, my weight.) i feel i can't escape. makes me want to sleep.

the stupidest thing is that i KNOW that the world does not see exactly what i see. i know they would not expect the intensity of this unhappiness when i look probably fairly normal, fairly successful from the outside. i wish my rationale would beat out my emotion.

e dreams

again i dreamed of e.

this time he was visiting, new york i'm sure. despite the fact that i knew he was there, and he knew i knew he was there, he made no effort to contact me. he was so nonchalant...so not interested.

i was crushed. in my dream was telling my therapist about it. i called him the wrong name, but told him i was dreaming of e again; another heartbreak dream. he told me its like getting a tattoo removed. seems so indelible; is so strong, so permanent -- the love i believed in. it takes many painful removals ( i.e. the break-up, "its over" dreams) to undone the initial condition.

at the end of our session, i was following him around with my notes, trying to cram in everything i could share. so he could help me get better.

a few days ago, had a dream that i had a baby. i gave birth to one. i remember e being in the picture. not sure that he wanted to be, but i remember, even if it was reluctantly, he was going to be committed. i was so amazed by my baby girl. everyone was gone, and i wanted to feed her. i struggled with trying to do it on my own. my reason told me of course i could; its natural. although unsure, she took to it easily. i felt relieved.

a few days before that, dreamed i lived in nyc again. e was visiting briefly. he flew in and saw me for a couple of hours. i teasingly asked if he would stay, trying to seduce him, kinda, hesitatingly. he rebuffed me. said he was flying to boston in a few hours. to see a girl....i sound, "sounds serious." he looked at me, and said "it is." he basically told me to get over him, to move on. her name was white, sounded very ivy league, very money. i knew she was a red head. and he was going to marry her.

my heart was broken. devastation again. i wish it had brought closure. it just hurt.

i just binged.
after losing 10 lbs, i took the weekend "off." and now...
i was good all day. got home. ate a whole container of beef....it could have good still.
but i added spaghetti sauce. followed by half a point of icecream. followed by cheezits and coke.

why do i do this?
i hate it.


followed by toast with jam. and three cheeze sandwiches.

i would love have someone to shave for.
someone i was excited to see.
a reason to wear a dress.
someone to miss my curves as they leave.

i just took two hour nap. dreamed of spaghetti. two helpings.
have 28 lbs to lose.

i think i'm always gonna love him.
i wish i could love someone else.

pre-test prayer

part two of infamous step 3 is tomorrow. i am petrified on some level, i am sure. i feel unprepared. more so than last time, but strangely unexcited. maybe its anti-climactic, bc it should already be done. maybe bc my system has been so unbalanced lately not in touch with any real emotions -- which leads me to believe i may also not be in touch with my brain at all. eeek.

either way, its tomorrow. this is one more example in my life, where it is purely God's grace if i do pass. i owe it all to Him and His mercy. i know he gave me a brain, He put me where i am, but i also don't feel i deserve to pass this thing. i feel fat and lazy and dumb. but maybe just maybe He will let me get by one more gate so one day i can be of some use. i guess thats my prayer. please God. i don't deserve it, but please save the money, the time, the shame. i do truly plan on getting on track and serving You. not bc of this test. thank you.

dream

have more studying to do. just one more day till the end of the test. feel so unmotivated. Christian music playing, all the lights in my bedroom on. thought just a little nap might help. then get up and work some more. not even midnight for goodness sake. fuzzy. was going somewhere...minds were changed. stayed in. it was like a garage, with levels. i was on one side, near the top. i don't remember music, but remember moving. all these men around. thought they were singing or party or something but not clear. then i realized they liked whatever i was doing. bobbing or something. i kept on. then i realized they all had erections, one by one, two by two. kept doing whatever it was, rhythmically. then i felt them all cum. not just on me, but all around me. i knew i had led them to that point, but still distinctly felt i was not the leader. police? bust in. like a raid...was not sure why we were in trouble, but i was out. as they surged in, i slipped out a side curtain, threading right past, but not small or subtle enough to go unnoticed. daylight outside. heard shouts -- rajen? someone? was telling them i was definitely a part of it and i needed help and should not get away. i ran, but no time, no where to hide. i was just in the back yard, hid behind a gate. found within seconds. they picked me, women soldiers. took me to a stone room with many beds. like a dorm. shortly one short haired soldier (they all were) came over and told me they were going to paralyze my face. i had no choice. it didn't really hurt. felt weird. stayed conscious. could see everything, hear. just couldn't talk or move much. i knew more was to to come. got the distinct feeling they were going to be as liberal with my body as they wanted. it was scary, but helpless, resigned. had the feeling i was to be moved somewhere for punishment. in the meantime, in the bed next to me, they were discussing anesthetizing...or another word, an "s" word of the same meaning. she opened a kit. it was disguised as something benign, but underneath were medical supplies. no idea what they were going to do. but the girl didn't fight. clearly there was no point. i glanced around the room, knowing, thinking, i would have time to know it well. looked passively for an escape. nothing obvious. door had no handle, strange lock i didn't recognize with a wire. decorations on the wall. like crafts of the girls. i wondered if at some point i would be able to place every object precisely out of sheer exposure. laying there, realized i wasn't really there. not just there. i was in my own bed. tried a couple of times to wake up. no luck. eyes opened, saw my roommate's bed. tried again. same thing. forced it to shift to my room. now i am awake, writing this. wondering if i should try sleep again. not very pleasant. not a nightmare exactly. but kinda dark for having all these lights on.

my breakfast plate:

tortilla chips, omelette (with corned beef, ham, bacon,) grapes, one chocolate covered cherry, one oreo, one milk dud.

mornings

sleeping better now. spend the night on the couch, then transition to my bed around five or six in the morning, if i can.

imagine waking up to oldies blasting full volume. i mean, hear it outside blazing volume. i peek outside my door. a grizzled old man bobbing to the music, grinning ear to ear, talking nonstop to himself or the music, lost in a world of memories, hair in all directions. doesn't sound as bizarre as it looks. all the food from last night's dinner is on the counter, but that doesn't mean bacon isn't frying on the stove, with a red plastic cup just emptied of its latest drink playing sous chef. funny. and now that i am up...he has turned the music to an inaudible (for him) level and is working quiet as a mouse in the kitchen.

wait, he just came to my door. with a sly grin, he closes it. "reckon i've had enough. reckon i'd like to talk to myself." he is so ready to be home with his dogs. this is his celebration.

mornings

sleeping better finally. spend the night on the couch, then transition to my bed around five or six in the morning, if i can sleep in.

imagine waking up to oldies blasting full volume. i mean, hear it outside blazing volume. i peek outside my door. a grizzled old man bobbing to the music, grinning ear to ear, talking nonstop to himself or the music, lost in a world of memories, hair in all directions. doesn't sound as bizarre as it looks. all the food from last night's dinner is on the counter, but that doesn't mean bacon isn't frying on the stove, with a red plastic cup just emptied of its latest drink playing sous chef. funny. and now that i am up...he has turned the music to an inaudible (for him) level and is working quiet as a mouse in the kitchen.

wait, he just came to my door. with a sly grin, he closes it. "reckon i've had enough. reckon i'd like to talk to myself." he is so ready to be home with his dogs. this is his celebration.

too high

my resting heart rate 120 today. no good. should take my medicine.

i wish i cared.

i am a chubby girl. its so hard to accept. i haven't seen a picture of myself that i like in ages. and i used to Love pictures! its ok to get less attention -- thats age, right? but to know the chub is a true feature, not a product of a 20 year olds self critical delusion.

the problem is....
well, i don't know what the problem is. i still like my shape, just wish it was smaller everywhere. i would LOVE to be the weight i was just two years ago. blah.

gotta do something soon.

hypnagogia

living amongst holograms. i feel my body, my scratchy throat. but at the same time wispy people standing around, acting out life. People saying random things -- you find in dreams. I try to remember them -- so tomorrow I can relay them -- they slip away. i will be thinking actively of something, ekgs or kittens, or something, anything, and something entirely unrelated -- a man moving a boat will simultaneously flash across my screen.

pressure that makes me not move, heaviness. i know i am in bed, i feel the breeze -- its perfect, hear my puppy snoring, then breathing fast -- is he having a nightmare? -- know the phone is inches away, and i Should write something down....but i can't do it. i am too heavy.

i hear pops talking, raving, outside my door...or is it outside? i can't tell which world this is. its full of dreams, all kinds, but i am not sleeping.

dr. levine takes my coffee, empties it in cheryl's office by flinging it through the door, and says "the dark is gone." prepares to pour something in. but i feel the heaviness of my blanket, the cloud that makes me sweat. when i think of moving my thoughts turn to rousing, my brain slips seamlessly into another scene.

i should be asleep. its 3:00. no, 3:30 a.m. been here two hours, should get up, but he promise of real sleep is so close i don't want to give up, get up. like an orgasm you never quite reach. doesn't feel as good though.

wish i could take something, but on call. no, sam is, see him entering the hospital? no! -- i am. tricked you again. can't be groggy. how can i not be after not sleeping.

strange world. will sleep let me in? gonna try again.

maybe the nightmares, endless...have convinced my brain, my body, this in-between is better. i am not waking drenched. how can i wake? people don't sneeze when they are asleep.

groceries

i am wondering through the kitchen. its 3:48 a.m. wait-- 3:38. why do i set the clocks ten minutes fast when i know?

my flirtation with hypnagogia is now a full fledged relationship.

the kitchen is littered with food, both open and packaged. leroy went shopping. macaroni and cheese (which i don't eat,) oreos, pancake syrup, chocolate syrup, chips in a bag, chips in a can, canned ham. he did make a salad for supper though. typical of his contradiction.

at once he is the most unselfish man i know, and the most selfish -- he cared for his aging, feeble dad until the end -- a 24/7 job that few people will do. in fact, i don't know of any who have, all alone. and i see a lot of sick, dying patients.

but he lives in his own world. racked with guilt and regret, finding solace in a drink. well, many drinks. and its not solace -- its familiarity. he relives every moment of his life, the good often, more often the bad i think. he is haunted by the war, haunted by my mother, haunted by himself. but he can laugh so freely, rejoices so sincerely over old football victories and frat boy pranks. he doesn't need you to participate. just listen. or pretend to listen, if its a story you have heard a million times. someone should write them down. i should. but how can i capture him, his tone, that crazy look in his eye?

he likes to take it slow. well, now he has to. his poor heart. he won't complain, but i see he is short of breath coming up the stairs. dizzy. he will only drink milk tonight.