living amongst holograms. i feel my body, my scratchy throat. but at the same time wispy people standing around, acting out life. People saying random things -- you find in dreams. I try to remember them -- so tomorrow I can relay them -- they slip away. i will be thinking actively of something, ekgs or kittens, or something, anything, and something entirely unrelated -- a man moving a boat will simultaneously flash across my screen.
pressure that makes me not move, heaviness. i know i am in bed, i feel the breeze -- its perfect, hear my puppy snoring, then breathing fast -- is he having a nightmare? -- know the phone is inches away, and i Should write something down....but i can't do it. i am too heavy.
i hear pops talking, raving, outside my door...or is it outside? i can't tell which world this is. its full of dreams, all kinds, but i am not sleeping.
dr. levine takes my coffee, empties it in cheryl's office by flinging it through the door, and says "the dark is gone." prepares to pour something in. but i feel the heaviness of my blanket, the cloud that makes me sweat. when i think of moving my thoughts turn to rousing, my brain slips seamlessly into another scene.
i should be asleep. its 3:00. no, 3:30 a.m. been here two hours, should get up, but he promise of real sleep is so close i don't want to give up, get up. like an orgasm you never quite reach. doesn't feel as good though.
wish i could take something, but on call. no, sam is, see him entering the hospital? no! -- i am. tricked you again. can't be groggy. how can i not be after not sleeping.
strange world. will sleep let me in? gonna try again.
maybe the nightmares, endless...have convinced my brain, my body, this in-between is better. i am not waking drenched. how can i wake? people don't sneeze when they are asleep.
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