my social ineptitude: always been there. sometimes disguised better than others. paralyzing at times like now. i can't even walk past a group of my peers playing volleyball. so odd. so sad
my intellectual incapacity: this stupid test. i failed it. not many people did. the need to study for it keeps me from being able to enjoy activities/people, even when i feel i can. its a constant cloud hanging over my head.
my weight: i know its ridiculous; i know i have felt this way even when i'm lean. but i feel gross. like someone will look at me and instantly be disgusted; think wow, she would be pretty, if she would lose some weight.
i feel incredibly incredibly alone. a drink would help. would ease me back into the feeling of normalcy. but that will only worsen the other inadequacies (my studies, my weight.) i feel i can't escape. makes me want to sleep.
the stupidest thing is that i KNOW that the world does not see exactly what i see. i know they would not expect the intensity of this unhappiness when i look probably fairly normal, fairly successful from the outside. i wish my rationale would beat out my emotion.
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