my heart is so heavy.

had a date today. it was pleasant. i don't think i'm ever gonna love anyone. i didn't invite a kiss. i don't think he'll call, although i think he likes me; he wants me to pursue him. i am not going to.

i have no one. i don't understand. either people don't notice me or people don't like me.

and mostly i don't WANT them. why is i feel incredibly alone now? is there a reason i can't/don't make friends?

i am incredibly lonely.

its been a very strong theme recurring in my life.

its memorial day. i have a full plate -- need to study, need to work, have night clinic.

but i don't have not one friend today. no one has invited me to barbecue, to celebrate, to relax. i've been here two years. what is wrong with me? s is invited to multiple things every weekend. he says people are intimidated, that wives and girlfriends don't want me to places. but that can't be all of it. there are lots of people who have the same, many more, qualities as me. i know i can be awkward, but i don't think people see that as much as its there. i'm not difficult. i smile. i'm pleasant. i really don't understand. i haven't been to a party in over a year. its embarrassing, this problem. embarrassing to know, embarrassing to admit. not something you can complain about out loud.

i have a home full of plants and animals, which i do actually love. i believe i bring a lot to the table. i am a good friend. i am loveable.

why am i so lonely?

i'm crying for no reason. my "friend" made me happy today. and then deserted me. the plans i had for tonight deserted me. i have an unpromising date tomorrow.

i need to study. i want to pass out. bleh. feel fat...unloved. alone. with no promises kept, no hope fulfilled. alone.

God....when will you provide?

walls keeping me in

i feel separated from everyone by so many walls. impossible, invisible ones.

my social ineptitude: always been there. sometimes disguised better than others. paralyzing at times like now. i can't even walk past a group of my peers playing volleyball. so odd. so sad

my intellectual incapacity: this stupid test. i failed it. not many people did. the need to study for it keeps me from being able to enjoy activities/people, even when i feel i can. its a constant cloud hanging over my head.

my weight: i know its ridiculous; i know i have felt this way even when i'm lean. but i feel gross. like someone will look at me and instantly be disgusted; think wow, she would be pretty, if she would lose some weight.

i feel incredibly incredibly alone. a drink would help. would ease me back into the feeling of normalcy. but that will only worsen the other inadequacies (my studies, my weight.) i feel i can't escape. makes me want to sleep.

the stupidest thing is that i KNOW that the world does not see exactly what i see. i know they would not expect the intensity of this unhappiness when i look probably fairly normal, fairly successful from the outside. i wish my rationale would beat out my emotion.

e dreams

again i dreamed of e.

this time he was visiting, new york i'm sure. despite the fact that i knew he was there, and he knew i knew he was there, he made no effort to contact me. he was so nonchalant...so not interested.

i was crushed. in my dream was telling my therapist about it. i called him the wrong name, but told him i was dreaming of e again; another heartbreak dream. he told me its like getting a tattoo removed. seems so indelible; is so strong, so permanent -- the love i believed in. it takes many painful removals ( i.e. the break-up, "its over" dreams) to undone the initial condition.

at the end of our session, i was following him around with my notes, trying to cram in everything i could share. so he could help me get better.

a few days ago, had a dream that i had a baby. i gave birth to one. i remember e being in the picture. not sure that he wanted to be, but i remember, even if it was reluctantly, he was going to be committed. i was so amazed by my baby girl. everyone was gone, and i wanted to feed her. i struggled with trying to do it on my own. my reason told me of course i could; its natural. although unsure, she took to it easily. i felt relieved.

a few days before that, dreamed i lived in nyc again. e was visiting briefly. he flew in and saw me for a couple of hours. i teasingly asked if he would stay, trying to seduce him, kinda, hesitatingly. he rebuffed me. said he was flying to boston in a few hours. to see a girl....i sound, "sounds serious." he looked at me, and said "it is." he basically told me to get over him, to move on. her name was white, sounded very ivy league, very money. i knew she was a red head. and he was going to marry her.

my heart was broken. devastation again. i wish it had brought closure. it just hurt.

i just binged.
after losing 10 lbs, i took the weekend "off." and now...
i was good all day. got home. ate a whole container of beef....it could have good still.
but i added spaghetti sauce. followed by half a point of icecream. followed by cheezits and coke.

why do i do this?
i hate it.


followed by toast with jam. and three cheeze sandwiches.