i am dying.  how must it have for been for writers of long ago.  Real writers. i've had such series of emotions, of thoughts flooding me, with no outlet.  if you don't want to open your poison mouth, or poison your fragile skin...what is there, but to wait.  until there is an outlet....


it's Easter.

glorious, beautiful.  i spent the morning, precisely as i think i should have.


praise, reflection, life.








tonight...

a house full of srangers. saying hello hugging, smiling.  bringing a pot full of purple flowers i desperately want to take to my own proch, for the hostess, annie.


lots of delicious food,drinks.

sideways glances.


so odd.  first Easter with rap music playing peacefully? in the background with african clad mothers and grandmothers bobbing the babies, lulling themselves to sleep and chatting all the way.  it was just background.

oh.  i always forget.  in the course of hours, i was the white one.  not just the little cowering mouse, but bright pink sweater, obnoxious laughter, thrusting handshake..  trying.


the hostess calls me "jessica."  so hard for her to remember one strange name (mine), when i have to remember 30s?  fury boils.  she gives me a smug glance.  this is the the petite little afrikaan, haha, that i gave my flowers to.   i want to call her "abbie" and call it even.  instead, i bow modestly, and say "jenniffier."  as i leave, i say, hope you enjoy your flowers, but in reality in want to bash her arrogant little face in.

why i am angry?  why am i angry that she is arrogant.   she has the husband and the child and the white picket fence.  she is living MY dream, and mocking me.  i have spent 4 hours at her home.  but i am ever the stranger.  she can't be bothered to stand as i hug her own relatives goodbye.

perhaps i am just living (again!!!) the minority role.  ive done it often.  but the anger arises, because i have treated them, EVERYONE, the fat, the dark, the skinny, the light, the stupid, the educated, with nothing but the same genuine smile and interest.  argh.  this is where prejudice is born.  from the root of it.

j's sister, the spoiled "little"one....so ridiculously rotten, i have not words.  for whatever reason i have always been close friends with more than me.   but for her to josh about the epic 30 year old birthday bash she will be having -- either a club rented out "vegas style" or a bowling alley venue,, to be exalting her wedding like it's the next revival.  and all her family backs it up.  she is 30, fat and happy, lives with her parents, chats on her little phone like one of willy wonk'as abberations.  yet, i like her.  but i want to punch her.  the brat.  taking for granted, all that i have worked for.

like being a child, longing to order from that stupid to go menu anything i want, not just the 99 cent column.  if i was lucky.

then.  after forgetting my name.  she asks me to to point any eligible bachelors in her direction.....HAH!

here i am.  i looked at myself.  sure, chubby.  but cute ponytail, rosy cheeks, shiny lips.  not too shabby, and a doctor to boot, haha.  but,no.  to them....nothing.

i don't even know if in their eyes i hold any beauty at all.  perhaps my fair skin robs it all.  perhaps it is truly just my race.  perhaps i'm just not attractive.   but i see their cutting eyes glance mine aside, before i get too tired to even try.  and this is day 2.  a lifetime of this???

my ride home, i sigh.  angry.  then hot tears. then a hot point.  then resignation.  then waiting for a keyboard, a glass of wine.  if only i was someone else, with access to real escape.

the lips i wish i wanted to kiss, i despise.   his peaceful nature, weak.  passivity, stupid, --- passion, volatile.  i cannot win.  if i am to suffer so, it should be for love.  for the love of a family that would treat me the same...or worse....yes.

i walk in the apartment.  grateful for the plants i love, the animal that answer me.  then instantly feel stupid.    it is not love i have for them!  it's need.  it's the desperate, misguided love i wanted to pour on the baby bobbing on j's mother's lap tonight.  the children playing.  i so want this, my porch is overflowing with growth i force, my cabinets hold more animal food than human.  it is pathetic.  and sad.

rats.  then i want to starve myself of all of it.  to not risk seeing pity leak through the eyes of others when they see me with their children.  better to shut down, to shut off.

i know if i had children i would be too tired to read this, much less write it.  and there is studying to be done.  but not tonight.









where is the separation from weird eccentric diva and normal girl watching out for herself.

well, i had a bingeing day. after having successfully lost around 20 lbs, i have rediscovered my baseline. the one that consists of being "good" and then bingeing.

right now i have finished crackers and turkey, turkey bacon, ground beef with ketchup, white wine, a can of spinach. oh, and what precipitated all that was straight hershey's syrup, at least a cup of it, directly into mouth some, some with strawberries. . i am now taken my ambien, which won't set in. i've followed it with some melatonin, some, tylenol pm. i'm waiting for it take effect. i'd wished it had done so prior to me eating all that.

now i am walking through the apartment with my robe flapping open in the front. bacon sizzling in the pan, white wine in hand. its...disgusting. i belong in a bad novel,or a sad group meeting.

i've watched 4 independent movies today. all of them pretty bad. 1984 i'm watching now. interesting. of course, no where close to the book. but fitting this food of the day.

i've yet to find a job.

i worked out today to make up for yesterday. came right in and made up for the working out. i am on a bit of roller ocaster i'm trying to figure out why?

my life is good, finally.

i think i feel lonely. i am filling my time, my body, my heart with food to make up for the loneliness. s filled my time, my attention over the weekend. i find i binge most worst after a weekend with him.

i am so full now, my stomach is tight. my whole top is tight. its too bad i insist on undoing everything good i do.

i love being skinny. or at least skinnier.

but i fear i have reached my limit. my self destructive ways are now overcoming the other ones. truly too bad.

i think i may feel it starting to set in. a slightly slow feeling.

not enough. not enough to make me drag to bed. sigh. perhaps more wine is required. i don't even want it. my tummy is full ; but i do want to pass out.

its been so long i felt this way. not good i think.

he has money for everything else...any trip, any destination, anything. he makes time to see everyone. its clear i am not an interest. big surprise. nothing new. but it still hurts. not sure why. i am not holding onto any real hope.

ont he other hand, this one is so generous. so generous, so in love. and i'm not. its starting to make me miserable.

i have been feeling so much better. almost "high," although i think this is just what it feels like to not be depressed, to be happy.

i got my car, which i love. my job is improving and its time to look for a new one. 27 is destined to be a good year; i feel reminded that God has blessed me and has a plan for me.

however, i admit that when i was feeling so good, kammy had a way of bringing me back down. i sweetly and enthusiastically shared my life, and he cut me off. its so clear there is not interest, and a part of me completely accepts that and looks forward to someone EVEN better. but it still hurts

i was looking forward to seeing deters today to discuss this. of course he cancelled. i am beginning to wonder if there is any point in going. every time i plan on sharing something, look forward to guidance, he isn't around. by the time i see him, i've figured it out myself anyway.

sad hurricane

i'm losing soheil; its completely my fault. he worships me, he is good to me. he just wants me to be a good girlfriend, to want to be honest about all my activities, to include him with my "friends" -- hah! and i'm resistant. and bratty. he read my chats with e. and yet he still stuck; he told me that e does not love me, and will never try to make me happy. the thing is, he is usually right about these kinds of things. still hurt my feelings.

the hurricane in general hurt my feelings. i feel like, even more so than your birthday, the people that check on you, to make sure you are ok during a natural disaster, are the ones that care. mama, larry, toni, daddy, abbie, thad, dustin, liz, camary -- all checked on me. soheil drove me to and from work in the weather! and together we froze water and bought canned goods. how blessed i am. only one admission to o.b. that night.

who didn't check on me? e. sam. chrystal. i realize i have NO friends here. and now that i am driving soheil away, i am beginning to feel that familiar, but profound loneliness. sam is gone, he wants to stay gone. chrystal...who knows where she is. and e hasn't been around for a while.

the depression keeps my work from getting done. and helps me to devour all the carbs we bought two days ago. nothing like weight gain to accentuate depression.

i am driving him away for lots of reasons. the threat of loss of independence, loss of choices, loss of freedom....i can't bear it. i can't take more than 4 days of no personal space. i get stir crazy. i resent his touch, his flatter, his devotion. its so sick.

the problem is, i don't know how to fix it. not really. not more than a bandaid. tired of bandaids, and the wounds seem to be so deep that healing is extraordinarily slow. also i am probably picking at any potential scabs.

my heart is so heavy.

had a date today. it was pleasant. i don't think i'm ever gonna love anyone. i didn't invite a kiss. i don't think he'll call, although i think he likes me; he wants me to pursue him. i am not going to.

i have no one. i don't understand. either people don't notice me or people don't like me.

and mostly i don't WANT them. why is i feel incredibly alone now? is there a reason i can't/don't make friends?

i am incredibly lonely.

its been a very strong theme recurring in my life.

its memorial day. i have a full plate -- need to study, need to work, have night clinic.

but i don't have not one friend today. no one has invited me to barbecue, to celebrate, to relax. i've been here two years. what is wrong with me? s is invited to multiple things every weekend. he says people are intimidated, that wives and girlfriends don't want me to places. but that can't be all of it. there are lots of people who have the same, many more, qualities as me. i know i can be awkward, but i don't think people see that as much as its there. i'm not difficult. i smile. i'm pleasant. i really don't understand. i haven't been to a party in over a year. its embarrassing, this problem. embarrassing to know, embarrassing to admit. not something you can complain about out loud.

i have a home full of plants and animals, which i do actually love. i believe i bring a lot to the table. i am a good friend. i am loveable.

why am i so lonely?