well, i had a bingeing day. after having successfully lost around 20 lbs, i have rediscovered my baseline. the one that consists of being "good" and then bingeing.

right now i have finished crackers and turkey, turkey bacon, ground beef with ketchup, white wine, a can of spinach. oh, and what precipitated all that was straight hershey's syrup, at least a cup of it, directly into mouth some, some with strawberries. . i am now taken my ambien, which won't set in. i've followed it with some melatonin, some, tylenol pm. i'm waiting for it take effect. i'd wished it had done so prior to me eating all that.

now i am walking through the apartment with my robe flapping open in the front. bacon sizzling in the pan, white wine in hand. its...disgusting. i belong in a bad novel,or a sad group meeting.

i've watched 4 independent movies today. all of them pretty bad. 1984 i'm watching now. interesting. of course, no where close to the book. but fitting this food of the day.

i've yet to find a job.

i worked out today to make up for yesterday. came right in and made up for the working out. i am on a bit of roller ocaster i'm trying to figure out why?

my life is good, finally.

i think i feel lonely. i am filling my time, my body, my heart with food to make up for the loneliness. s filled my time, my attention over the weekend. i find i binge most worst after a weekend with him.

i am so full now, my stomach is tight. my whole top is tight. its too bad i insist on undoing everything good i do.

i love being skinny. or at least skinnier.

but i fear i have reached my limit. my self destructive ways are now overcoming the other ones. truly too bad.

i think i may feel it starting to set in. a slightly slow feeling.

not enough. not enough to make me drag to bed. sigh. perhaps more wine is required. i don't even want it. my tummy is full ; but i do want to pass out.

its been so long i felt this way. not good i think.