i'm losing soheil; its completely my fault. he worships me, he is good to me. he just wants me to be a good girlfriend, to want to be honest about all my activities, to include him with my "friends" -- hah! and i'm resistant. and bratty. he read my chats with e. and yet he still stuck; he told me that e does not love me, and will never try to make me happy. the thing is, he is usually right about these kinds of things. still hurt my feelings.
the hurricane in general hurt my feelings. i feel like, even more so than your birthday, the people that check on you, to make sure you are ok during a natural disaster, are the ones that care. mama, larry, toni, daddy, abbie, thad, dustin, liz, camary -- all checked on me. soheil drove me to and from work in the weather! and together we froze water and bought canned goods. how blessed i am. only one admission to o.b. that night.
who didn't check on me? e. sam. chrystal. i realize i have NO friends here. and now that i am driving soheil away, i am beginning to feel that familiar, but profound loneliness. sam is gone, he wants to stay gone. chrystal...who knows where she is. and e hasn't been around for a while.
the depression keeps my work from getting done. and helps me to devour all the carbs we bought two days ago. nothing like weight gain to accentuate depression.
i am driving him away for lots of reasons. the threat of loss of independence, loss of choices, loss of freedom....i can't bear it. i can't take more than 4 days of no personal space. i get stir crazy. i resent his touch, his flatter, his devotion. its so sick.
the problem is, i don't know how to fix it. not really. not more than a bandaid. tired of bandaids, and the wounds seem to be so deep that healing is extraordinarily slow. also i am probably picking at any potential scabs.
